Why BDSM-Poly Community Customs Sometimes Conflict

A controversy arose over the last couple of days on a polyfidelity list about a new member who is a submissive in the BDSM lifestyle's introduction. In it she referred to herself in the third person and made other references that caused some of the non-kinky poly list members distress. They didn't exactly flame the woman, but a few did express their feelings in what I thought was a fairly respectful manner. (The list in question is described as for people interested in polyfidelity.)

I recall a time when a BDSM master joined a poly list I was on, and his manner of writing about himself felt to me very offputting. Though I didn't condemn him or even address the issue to my recollection, I do recall feeling offended that this man seemed to expect people not of his lifestyle to address him in terms that acknowledged his self-identified superiority.

It seems to me that there is a sensitive spot or nexus where these communities intersect, one of which both polyfolk and BDSMers might wish to take note. When in polyland, it's wise to keep in mind that much of the polyamory community heavily values egalitarianism and personal freedom. The majority of it doesn't have an interest in BDSM and has no real understanding of it. In turn, polyfolk should bear in mind that BDSM relationships, though not alway what many if any polyfolk would consider egalitarian, are consensual. And who are we, i.e. any of us, to point fingers at the other?

My conclusion is that we should all take the "when in Rome" approach when on another alternative lifestyle's turf and do our best to observe its customs and values, just as we would do in order to be welcome when visiting a foreign country. If we're not sure what those are, finding out is the polite and respectful thing to do.